Finding Peace When the Anger Rises
Heart Happy
Audio By Carbonatix
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a chaotic room, feeling your heart pound and your temperature rise? Your face flushes, your skin tingles, and you feel yourself losing control. The frustration bubbles up, and suddenly you want to control the situation, control the people around you, and somehow control yourself.
Whether it is a conflict with a coworker, a misunderstanding with a spouse, or a friend who repeatedly pushes your buttons, we all struggle with anger at times. We live in a world that often tells us our anger is entirely justified. But deep down, there is also a fear pounding with every quickened beat. What if this does not change? What type of angry person will I become?
We know those types of people. The ones who never seem happy. The ones who take out their inner angst on the world and leave a tsunami in their wake. (Truthfully, I’ve been that type of person during a very challenging season of my life!) And if we are completely honest, fears fill us when we see that same seething contempt staring back at us in the mirror.
The Illusion of Outward Anger
The reality is that anger rarely dispels the hurt. It might make us feel less powerless in the moment, but that feeling cannot be sustained. Outward anger comes from feeling out of control inwardly. When humans feel threatened, they respond in three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. Anger is a way that many of us “fight.”
However, anger is often a quick, secondary emotion that masks underlying emotions we don’t want to face. Sometimes “mad means sad,” and anger can also mean anxious, afraid, or overwhelmed.
Anger is one of the easiest emotions to express when we do not want to appear vulnerable. While it may temporarily numb the pain or make us feel powerful for the moment, it doesn’t get rid of the hurt.
Anger is not a character flaw. It is an emotion. But James 1:19 gives us a clear directive:
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
There are times when I didn’t like that verse very much, because it called me out. I have said things and acted in ways I am not proud of. Sometimes I let my mind spiral out of control, jumping down angry paths. But God does not want us to remain in bondage to our anger. He longs for us to find freedom from the pain.
Proverbs 14:29 says, “People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.”
We can be people of understanding. We can be people of peace as we trust God and turn to Him.
Transforming Our Thoughts
How do we actually change? How do we regulate ourselves so we can guide our families and influence our communities?
It starts with our thoughts. Our thoughts control our lives. Our thoughts control our emotions. Our thoughts control our reactions. Here is a simple, practical tool I learned from cognitive therapy to help process those heated moments:
- Catch It: Identify the thought that came BEFORE the emotion. The best way to catch negative thoughts is to use emotions as cues.
- Check It: Reflect on how accurate and useful the thought is. Pause and ask yourself if the thought is true.
- Change It: Change the thought to a more accurate or helpful one as needed.
For example, consider a time when a need is overlooked by a spouse. Is it possible to catch and change the thoughts before you become angry?
Recently, I was sick and wanted someone to tend to me. I felt anger rising toward my husband—after all, he should see what I need. But then I reframed the thought. He was caring for all the kids and his parents while also working. He was simply used to me being the one to take care of sick family members. Instead of getting angry, I ordered chicken soup and ginger ale through a delivery service. I also became thankful that my husband was taking on extra responsibilities while I was down.
It takes a lot of hard work to reframe our thoughts, and there will be no shortcuts, but it will be worth it. When we turn over our frustrations to God with a clean heart, pure motives, and pure trust, God will show up and change us, starting from the inside out.
We can also pray Ephesians 4:31-32 over our lives today:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
When our hearts are settled and filled, we can experience life’s tantrums with much more peace.
A Prayer for Peace:
Lord, I have no answers. I have nothing to give. Be with me. Be with them. Bring an unexplainable peace to a hard situation. When I feel the tension rising and my thoughts spiraling, remind me to pause. Give me the wisdom to catch my negative thoughts, check them against Your Word, and change them to reflect Your truth. Calm them from the inside out, and calm my own heart, too. Fill my mind with Your Holy Spirit so that I can respond with grace, understanding, and love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
